Some people sent me a Jesus prayer rug. It's a picture of Jesus surrounded by these cool symmetrical designs. What you're supposed to do is pray on it, pray and pray, and then send it back to the company, while praying. Only then will your prayers be answered.

On the mat, it has directions. You're supposed to look into the picture of Jesus's closed eyes until they open. Then you go kneel on it. Even though I stared at it for a while, I could only get one of Jesus's eyes to open. Jesus was winking at me! I think he loves me--in a more-than-neighborly way that will surprise me at the pearly gates. Oh yes.